ADVICE FOR YOUR FIRST GAY DATE
Everybody has been there once.
You are currently what we refer to as a “baby dyke” or “baby gay.” It’s possible that you haven’t even seen The L Word; you’re brand new. It’s alright, you’ll eventually memorize every word to “Closer to Fine” by the Indigo Girls, but for now, just enjoy each day as it comes. Fortunately, you’ve already conquered the most difficult step: admitting your sexual orientation and taking the risk of coming out to those you can trust. It doesn’t matter if you were born queer at age 12 or 55—just remember that we’ve all been in your shoes before. It’s acceptable to let the gay person know where you are at if you’re on your first date and you’re feeling anxious about being new. The majority of kindhearted individuals will relate to you and share their own experiences coming out. This is your chance to create a sense of community. If there’s one topic gay people enjoy discussing, it’s their personal queer pain.
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Never allow anybody to suppress queerness.
It might not be a good idea to pursue a relationship with someone if they are turned off by your “baby gay” status for whatever reason. You want to be in relationships with other queer individuals who are accepting, affirming, and willing to meet you where you are. Be aware that someone does not represent the community as a whole if they are dismissive or demeaning. Indeed, many LGBTQ+ individuals are cautious because they may have come across someone who was careless with their emotions during a phase of “experimentation,” but it doesn’t give you permission to disregard someone at the start of their journey. Move on from those who attempt to define what it means to be “gay enough” in order to preserve queerness. Furthermore, there is some widespread biphobia in some segments of the LGBT community, as unpleasant as it is to admit. Simply walk away from anyone who makes you feel excluded because of your former straight relationships or sexual orientation. You probably already have enough doubts about your sexual orientation in your mind; this small-minded nonsense doesn’t need to add to the anxiety.
A first date shouldn’t be under too much stress.
The first of many first dates is this one. Every small step you take when discovering your sexuality feels like a massive one. Don’t panic if you go on a date and discover you aren’t drawn to the individual. That basically indicates there wasn’t chemistry between you, not that you were “wrong” or “not gay enough.” Because this will be a non-linear trip, don’t see every setback as a fatalistic “sign.” Similar to any other type of date, gay dating can be excellent, awful, or just ordinary. There are moments when you realize you have more of a friendship chemistry than a sexual dynamic, especially with girls. That’s fantastic! In fact, many wonderful LGBT friendships start out that way.
Have faith in oneself
This may sound corny, particularly if you’re a young homosexual person searching for validation, but as you explore, you’ll begin to have a really sophisticated conversation with yourself. Which are you: pillow princess, power bottom, switch, femme, butch, futch, chapstick lesbian, top, bottom, or vers? Which are you, Alice or Shane? Fortunately, you don’t have to know everything right immediately. All that matters is that you enjoy yourself as you work things out. Additionally, allow yourself to change! In an effort to make your identity more comprehensible to others, resist the need to immediately categorize oneself.
FAQs
I refuse to lecture you by dissecting “how to go on a date.” Regardless of sexual orientation, the same rigmarole applies. Rather, I’ll just provide you a few brief pointers that are especially relevant to w-l-w dating:
I would try using dating apps to see if you can get a date with a woman. This will free you from the never-ending task of determining whether someone wants to hang together “as friends” or on a deeper level. A few years ago, Tinder was quite popular, but it seems like most users have switched to Hinge as their main app. You may experiment with more specialized applications like Feeld, Her, or Lex, but I usually just use tools that allow you to search as broadly as possible.
Take breaks from conversing on dating apps. After a little light-hearted conversation, text her to arrange a plan and acquire her number. Pleasing pen pals may be a trap, especially when dealing with women.
Paying is not too difficult; you can afford to pay for it. Although I generally go by the general principle that “whoever did the asking out should offer to pay,” going Dutch is also very acceptable. I generally say I’ll get the next round if someone is insistent about paying. “I’ll buy drinks on our next date,” you might remark if the encounter is going well.
Ultimately, learning can only occur via experience. Create a dating profile, go out there, make blunders, then start over. Meanwhile, find out your astrological big three, use a carabiner to secure your keys to your belt loop, and refrain from making out with the first woman you meet. I hope you have luck wherever you go!